A new beginning.

I am sitting here,thinking (perchance to deeply) about what it means to start over.Oh there are the old tried examples of new friends,homes ministries etc, but really all that means nothing.I face my old self and what I was with what I want to become and many times it seems to be too much.It hurts more than the loves or friends left behind because really there where not many.I had alot of aquantences but few friends,at least those who I could share or confide in. Many times over this last year I have truly felt alone.I have fought and will keep fighting to be the best I can, even though it seems doomed at times I know that in the end my lord and love will carry me.Its hard to live life without the love and affection you crave... but I suppose in the end it makes you stronger. Hopefully because I have learned to be closer in love with my lord.even if I forget for a time he has always come through.The hard part is never opening your heart or life up to others because you don't want to have the pain of doing without that friendship or affection once you've had it so I suppose it is just easier to play your feeling closer to your vest.I suppose that for me makes moving difficult,its hard for me to get close to people because of how I am( aka irritating ,annoying, grumpy ha)and if you met me you would think I am a confident person but most of the time I force myself to be because I really want that friendship and affection from others but its so hard to do.And then I move and start over the process again,All the people I live with are wonderful in so many ways,steve happy,lively,fun and a joy to be around.Abi,sweet,sincere,beautiful,down to earth,fun, and full of life with a smile that lights your life. Simon, quiet with a heart of love and a good and true friend.laila,passionate,alive full of love and a artist with a dreamers heart. and my Italian mama who embodies all the good traits of a loving matriarch.And Peter and Mary who the only thing I will say is I hope that when I have lived and loved as much as they;that I am as full of life and the true spirit of the family as they are.So tell me, how can one not find what he seeks when surrounded by these? I Suppose i will ask the lord to change me,and pray for this change to remake me once more and grow closer to those around me without the fear of hurt, and trust him for the rest.