Trial by Fire,Perfected in love.

My beautiful new princess.

2009-06-05T11:49:00.001-07:00

AUNTIE MELO.
TIME FOR NAP.

DADDY TIME.
FAITH !

DADDIES NOSE.

A LITTLE BIT TIRED.

BABY GIRL.

2009-01-29T22:42:00.000-08:00

for all of you out there who have either , not sent me hate mail or prayers I am having a new baby girl ,due june 2nd .I consider it a blessing to have more kids,I guess the lord heard the desire of my heart .

for all you who did send me hate mail ....... I am praying for you too.I find it funny that all the times I was going through difficuly times in my life or trials and wrote about it or asked for help and prayer,a few of you responded and I am thankful for you.but boy have a relasionship change happen ; and leterally hundreds of you come out of the woodwork to spread hate and negative opinions .

Kids are a gift from the lord ,and a blessing and should be celebrated rather than dumped on.I love the girl I am with,I have made many mistakes and done allot of things wrong but so have every one of us.so he who is without sin cast the first stone. I want to say through all this I have gained a new respect for some, namely mike mongomery and his sis lisa,my family and marty wo will always be not only my shepherd and coach but my friend.

I don't profess perfection,in fact I will hartily admit to being a mess,but life is hard enough without hearing the negative rantings of the masses.Be happy for the miracle of life and the fact that the lord forgives all and keeps on doing so.maybe some should look at themselves and ask if they are so righteous and free from fault to judge.

For you who felt and voiced I should go to hell .... well thats impossible ,I am saved by christ who forgives .are you better than him?are you so selfrighteous as to think you are better?let other live and experience life even if they make mistakes without your lofty whited seplicers and trust the lord for the outcome because you and I sure don't know it

life is hard enough without others tring to tear you down.so if you have nothing nice to say ,well.....shhhhhhhhhush the lord will do it one way or another and definantly not in the way you are. to the rest of you ,I love you ,thanks for your prayers I have needed them.the lord is crushing and remaking me and I am happy for it ,and happy in the new life he has given me.

lets all celebrate a new start its a wonderful thing.

Hello and good luck.

2008-11-27T18:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the long absence my friends and random readers,allot has happened to me in the last few months allot of which took me by surprise as well.One thing I have learned for sure is my lack of perfection and the many glaring deficiencies which the lord wanted to highlight and make me change.I had built a image up in my mind of how good or strong I was in certain areas and the felt I should rightly be corrected in this ha.all in all I feel allot like a failure allot these days which good for me as I have been quite assured in myself for many years and now each day I see how much of a failure I am and how much I need Jesus,at this point I would rather be a colossal mistake maker and be dependent on the lord than do everything right.

There is of course no fear of that ,as I make mistakes on a hourly basis it seems even I try my best to avoid such things.I think I failed in everything from my work to being a good boyfriend dad or dad to be, but It's good because all the pillars I have built under my pride have been getting knocked down one by one and in its place I am working on having the lord be the only thing holding me and living in me.

Its been difficult to hear the ones I love tell me how I am failing or have failed day after day,but its been the greatest thing I could ask for is the honesty of others helping me to change. So even if I grind my teeth a bit, or get discouraged, its all for the best and I can learn from it no matter what.thanks to those of you who have been a support and help all these years to me,and the rest of you well......... just kidding I love ya'll. Take care and have a fun time ahead.

praise.

2008-06-03T20:23:00.000-07:00

Lord help me. I am a weak and fearful man. My thoughts explode with tempest and stress, only You can keep me whole.
Without you I fall to pieces,and my works turn but to dust. You oh Lord are the only stone I can build on.
I am strong only in flesh but my spirit is weak and yearns for You to make me whole;
my limbs weaken and fail,but You always hold me up.
My passion compares but little to the love You have for me,and I long achingly for the kisses
of Your lips, Your words and Your seeds.
I fail so often Lord, and I fall so short of what I feel I need to do to please You or others,
I feel like such a disappointment.
I know you wipe away all the tears and fears,but I don't feel worthy, I am truly a weak and weary man in desperate need of you.
Thank You for holding me up in this time, thank You for giving me love in physical form,thank You I can walk again , and thank You that I can serve you even if just for today.
I honestly don't have faith for tomorrow,not even for this whole day, but I have faith My Lord and Lover for this moment and this hour, because I know You can get me through the rest no matter how hard, difficult, or impossible it may seem.
You truly are my all in all.

My Lover.....

2008-05-27T21:41:00.000-07:00

my dear lover,my lord and king.how may words express the love I have for you? should it be in flowery expressions or in sober reverence?
neither perchance I think,but rather in the tones of passionate desire,of a need for you.
my desire for you is painful,I need you and it hurts.I can never get enough of you,every time I finish one of our sessions instead of feeling satiated,I want more.

let me kiss you and feel the softness of your lips,let me lie in your breast and feel your strength,let me kiss your body perfect as it is and feel your desire for me.
let me lie all night with you and feel the passion of your lovemaking.
I need and want you always,please fill my lonely heart and take away these feelings of pain and fustration from me.make me yours,actually you don't need too I am already, but I like it when you sweep me up and make me yours,over,and over again.
I love you now and forever,and nothing will change the need I have for you.

happy without clothes.

2008-04-17T22:09:00.000-07:00

Tis nudity shame or folly? Purity or shame?
I percieve it to be neither,perchance it is a jolly display of the last true freedom left.
without clothes is how we are made,free from the inhibitions that bind about us,
true some should be covered,and others should endevour perhaps to wear less spandex.
Witch by the way is a privaledge, not a right and is reserved for looking better on women.
no you as a guy should not walk around in a borat swimsuit,and neither should you wear a pink thong about.
but the celebration of the simple nudity that makes us happy,truely is something to be celebrated.
weather you are breaking bottles,walking randomly about your house without clothes,waking up the girls in your home in the buff(age appropriate of course,and be on the lookout for grabbers.)
or just enjoying a game of naked scrabble,celebrate the way god made us.
And girls,we love how you look no matter what,so no excuses,complaints about your figures etc.
lets enjoy what How God made us,and the sexy things around us as well,just don't get too distracted.Just remeber what my good friend and shining example Ceci says... clothes where meant to be removed and happiness comes from nudity.
so lets follow the above said pioneer to a land of not too much of anything clothes. love ya

nonsense

2008-04-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

this is a foolish post,all nonsense,I am a farside of the moon.

abi

2008-04-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

ramblings.

2008-04-07T21:32:00.000-07:00

As a cancer I suppose i am prone to the moodiness that ails my sign,
but tell if you will how to judge a friend?someone you are close tolove and care for right?
well in accordance how do you judge if they see you as a friend,or rather a means to a end?
do you judge it by how they act when they need you or in a good mood? or rather when they
seem to play a game?

I a not one for games I supose,perchance I am a little too simple;I am not good at the
"drama".I suppose I should be,but I am more just either I like and love you or I don't.
And I wish it was the same with other.I don't like guessing at peoples love so I think its safer
to just be a bit more reclusive.plus I don't like the prospect of getting hurt so I wonder if it is
safer to recluse?

simple love is the best,and more understandable for me ha. so if you are going to be a friend,give them your all,all your loveyour affection, understanding etc.
If you hold back ,or play a game, it only hurts.

enigma.

2008-03-05T21:06:00.000-08:00

I have a friend, sweet, soft and kind. Yet prickly as a porkupine and holds you at bay while
drawing you in. Irresistible as fine chocolate yet is not to be tasted. The perfect frustration of nature,
she is the fair beauty in a high tower beckoning to come all the while knowing the face to sheer to climb.
The most beautiful rose that pricks the hand, is like Juliet holding all at bay.
I sense the only enigma is that of if she actually loves or only gives the fleeting glimpse.
like a riddle that can never be solved or a rhyme not to be deciphered ,I suppose the irritation is just for I suppose neither am I,Tis pity I suppose that that she passes but my way knowing that the glimpse I get is sufficient for my station.

Above me I suppose she is, as I wonder in disbelief I suppose also she is an addiction, perchance a compulsion of sorts that she is amused at seeing.

I admit I am just foolish to try and figure it out; a mason and a workman’s brain are all I will ever flout. Hers is an enigma worthy of Pliny or Plato too I am neither so I will content myself in the belief that she is a wonder of creations finest, that I will have to wait to understand.
Be it not in this life but the next.

words.

2008-02-28T21:38:00.000-08:00

I think I hurt a dearest friend to day with something i said in foolish truth.
many time someone asks us something and you answer sincerily and it hurts them inadvertantly.
I never want to hurt any of my friends and especially this one.
I suppose I should not say the truth sometimes,what do you think?

I wish I could not be as stupid with my words,as I seem to be.
anything that hurts someone you love ,even if said from the heart,honestly,
without malice,if it hurts them it must be wrong.
I suppose this is putting yourself in there shoes,witch looking at it now I see
why it hurt.I hope my friend forgives me for the twit that I am.
I love them allot and never meant for it to hurt.
I suppose thats one of those times when someone asks you something you
look for a alternate answer ha.

I hope you don't make the same mistake I did,"the words of a friend,be they just or true,
spoken not in turn,are a deeper cut than most"HWL.
put a watch before my mouth oh lord and keep the door of my lips.
So this to say to you I am sorry,I hope you can forgive and still love me.

quiet pain.

2008-02-18T21:58:00.001-08:00

Sometimes the greatest statement of feeling is silence.
its hurts too much to say what I feel,loss,anger,sadness,pain.
I cannot express the gloom I feel,the depths of loss.

I short ,the quiet pain I feel cannot be silenced.
the loss not recompensed ever,pray for me.
I cry inside and there is no stopping.lord suffice me.

the court jester.

2008-02-05T20:58:00.000-08:00

I am tired of being a jester, a fool who does not want to
gain mocks, or laughed at all the way from his socks.
I wear no dainty jerkin or frock, so why do you treat me like a flock?
Am I a goose or grim? Or the woman in the shoe?
I think not, so why mock?

Is it perhaps that they see, a wall, or stone hedge in the fall?
Those who pass feel they must, batter me amuck.
I suppose I am destined to be mocked, for I look like the rock.
Those who see me feel they must, or they will run out of luck.
It has to be I suppose because of the trough of peoples hurtful prose,
who think they have new hurtful wink. But in truth they are all the
same in a non-imaginative vein.

It is my own stupidity that is to blame, for I like an ox
stumble about hampered by my own mass, which is allot.
I should be thankful for all my lord has given me,
even though I feel most times as useful as a tree.

I know he has made me thus, thick of sinew and bone,
but sometimes I wish my head was not a stone.
My writing is not pretty but each stroke comes from my heart,
and my words are not flowing, but they are sincere in every part.
I cannot jest and trade words with a swift and nimble tongue,
but I can praise or appreciate at each opportunity
with a keen and honest rung.

So hey I may be on ox, or bigger than an airplane box.
When I spin the world turns on axel, and tilts from side to side.
My handwriting is chicken scratch and my wit causes whiplash.
so jest away and have a laugh, and if you feel the need to bounce,
a jest or sharp remark to make your self have glee, well then I
am your man I guess, a bigger target than the rest.

how dreary to you like a bog that you must have fun at others
expense and use it as a log, to hoist yourself a little higher
and self proclaim your rep a little brighter. So I may be a dunce,
or a munce, hunce, or lunk but what are you I wonder
than you stand there calling me a dunderd?

I think it better to be a hulk, or bigger than a vault, than
to cut another down and leave him with a frown.
What if his day you just made, more miserable this way?
Would you like in turn, by another’s words be burned?
I think that you would not, so together lets share this thought,
to be loving in the ways we can, and seek others
reps to fan.
So that than we will have a blaze of true love in every way,
let’s appreciate the good and not forget god’s word,
where he tells his first command to love god as much we can,
then to others we should treat, with as much love as there
is sand, or pennies in a grand.

so before any more I delve, let’s just stop this here and tell,
let all your words be sweet and when in heaven we meet,
there will be no regrets, or words said foolishly in sets.
Only loving remarks to fill, all Christ children’s hearts with good will

A SHELL.

2008-01-30T21:38:00.000-08:00

Is it human nature to feel like hiding from the world?
I know it’s a passing stage and one (being the cancer I am) happens at intervals for me.
its not the best or the most happy idea for me but when I feel unwanted or just a
irritation to others I just prefer to back away into my own shadow and hope no one notices.
It sounds like a good idea no? Well to my mind it is at the time ha.

It’s the enemy that tries to get me like this, and I just want to shut out the world.
I hate being in that cold zone with people, I like feeling like a family and close friends,
when its the icy friendships I feel like just retreating to my own world.
I suppose I need to see the Rom, 8:28 in everything and look through the eyes of praise
because only then can he work all these things out for me.

He must be my everything, my all in all because at the end of the day if I have no one else (
which is how it feels) I have him and that should always be enough. I think that he really is trying to hammer that one into me ha,but all joking aside I pray that I don't sink into my shell
I don't want to go back to how I used to be.

I just have to claim the full possession that is my saving grace and I know he will get me through it all. I love you Jesus.

Flavor of the month.

2008-01-27T19:53:00.000-08:00

Ever feel like someone’s friendship with you was like Baskin Robbins 31 flavors?
Their friendship is contingent on how they feel, if they actually need your
friendship at that time and it’s convenient. Then when it’s all ok, they no longer need you
and you are as good as a leaf in the wind.

Why is it? I suppose its human nature to enjoy something when you need it, and when not
you cast it away for dead weight. I wonder if it is better to not have them,if it ends only when it is convenient. And starts when again they need the boost,not really concerned about the times you need them too.

I suppose it’s the lesson the lord has been trying to teach me that he is the only
friend I really have and can count on. Others come and go, but are always there.
To give up on friendships I think would be to admit that love is not worthwhile,
and that is something that would be just a lie.

So if you love, or have friends are friends always. Not just when it is right for you, but seek them out when they need you as well. Make their happiness paramount and strive to make a happiness contingent only on the lord and his love, then it will last no matter. And will be a true friendship.

An Idea.

2008-01-26T20:56:00.000-08:00

Love starts with me, or you or whoever is that first person.
Many times we look for love to come to us, or wait for the passion
we think we deserve, All the while not realizing that it waits on us.
We consent only to the sacrifices we know will bring us gain,
but how is that a true sacrifice of love? It just a trade, one which
we hope will bring the happiness we seek.

How do we gain happiness, and full satisfying love? By being the one
to give it. When we act out of love not seeking any return it
is then that it finds us. The law of love is the pursuit of others happiness
and joy; their satisfaction and fullfillment.when we do this, we will find to our joyful surprise
that it has found us too. If you long for companionship, seek out someone
in need of a friend. If you need passion seek to give it to the lonely one beside you.
If you need happiness, seek to cheer up one who is sad.

By giving and living the law of love will we find the love we desire?
When we give of ourselves to fill another’s need for love it is then that we
are made whole.

A BIT'O DITTY

2008-01-23T21:15:00.000-08:00

I may love her she thinks amiss, with passion for her beauty
that doth not demise. Though changes and occasions
may alter shape or size, it matters not though betide.

I love her where ever she may plod, in snowfall or in rain,
I think her beautiful more at the end of a long drawn out day.
Her eyes they glisten in playful abondon, as though she forever young
had supped at the fountain of life and forever in her it sprung.

I love her sly unobtrusive smile, her shy demure cute way,
I love when she make all my frowns become smiles in her own
playful way.

I love that she can make me happy with a smile, or a touch,
and err but a glance from her make most burdens become dust.
What’s best is her beauty, which she thinks she does not have,
is evident in every way no matter if she is wearing rags.

so to you I say I see only beauty, no pockmarks or blemishes
to bear in you I only see beauty inside

love in pieces.

2008-01-22T21:18:00.000-08:00

When love is a dream unrequited, it burns like a hot iron searing to the very core,
and nothing can escape it. When I love someone, it is with abandon, not in bits or pieces.
How can you say you love someone if you love just a part, or with reservation?
We take those we love in whole, not excluding them for better friends, but treating all alike.
How can you take for granted love or a friendship? Is it so only when it is convenient to your cause or you have nothing else?

A love or a friendship is a treasure worth more than any momentary aberration of pleasure.
Much time we take for granted our friends or only pretends when we need something from them.
The rest of the time we play favorites and make our distinction known.
We pretend all is fair in friendship, love and war while at the same time playing one against the
other to gain our advantadge.is this real love or friendship? Or is it just hedging our bets so that we have what we need with the least possible strain to ourselves?

When is friendship a false front? When you are distinctly playing favorites. When you pretend to be equal but at the same time making clear who is your favorite. I hope I always love and treat all my friends with the same love and attention, because I know what it’s like to have others treat me otherwise. In saying this I do not feel angry or bitter with them, only sad I suppose at the pretense they have, they like to think it is the circle that brings in others, but in actuality they make very clear they have two. One is for the pretense and the other is a distinct line that you are not allowed into. I love my friends and family with a passion that sears me, and makes me want to do anything to make them happy. Even if many times I do not does it right hope I never lose that.

And I hope I never take for granted the love or friendship others entrust me with, it a treasure worth more than anything else. I will love those I do with a passion that fuels my life want to live each day not looking back saying’s wish I told them I loved them more, or I wish I did not hold back”. I want no regrets, no wishing I had loved more, or included others more.

Mock I if you will, call me a fool, or whatever. I have wasted much of my life in living for myself, I want to spend it loving others, and may my lover

The sacrifice of self.

2008-01-20T18:46:00.000-08:00

Do we truly give all of ourselves? Or is it mostly out of a small portion we feel we can part with?
Is it that we truly give till it hurts, or just until it stings? I say stings because it’s that little prick where most of us stop at, the little owe so to speak.
Not the pain and real anguish that brings forth the pure gold. How would I know if something is worth giving? If I don't want to, this may seem simplistic and I am in no wise a most sacrificial person, but I desire to give my lover all. someone joked to me today that I have to stop always answering no to things,(for those who are wondering, when someone asks me something ,I allot of times jokingly say no as a standard answer. then of course I say yes afterward ha.)Because she knows I will say yes and do it anyhow after.

It made me think though how do I come off to others? Am I really contrary and annoying? Do I react unveiled most of the time? Am I hard to work with? I have come to the conclusion that yup I do believe I am all the above (any who do not believe ask my wife.)It’s my pride that ultimately gets in my way, my arm of the flesh (that accursed thing) that causes me to be the gruff, mean person. Many times I just have not surrendered to him fully right then. I have allowed my feelings anger, fustration and pride to take over.

I am not giving till it hurts; the lord wants all of my mind, body and soul, and when I am fully his you can see it on my face and body. One thing I do know is I will never give up, He means too much to me. Even if I have to grit my teeth and take the breakings, it’s worth it. In the long run I have seen that no matter how much he breaks me, he still loves me, and that makes it worthwhile.

He takes away nothing, but that he gives me back eternity. I sacrifice and he builds me a palace, I give him those I love and he fills me with a passion that rivals only the sun. He gives me anything my heart desires; in return he asks me only that I be fully his. How can I refuse? No matter the pain or cost that now in my mind seems great, I am assured will pale in comparison with the spiritual rewards he gives.

So all out there, sorry for the person I am, as I yield more to the lord and less to myself I will be someone you can be proud and happy to live with and serve the lord beside. Sorry It has taken me so long, and I am still far from the man I want to be (with the lords help), but I won't give up trying. As long as I am willing to keep fighting he will do the work. The breakings are guaranteed, I only have to yield to the remaking so that he truly lives in me.

This I desire most, that you can look at me and say"jesus lives in him “for it is not I that live but he that lives in me”. It’s a work in progress, thank you for putting up with me in the mean time. I love you, god bless you, and keep you giving. Only he can do it.ILY

True love.

2008-01-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

What is sacrifice, or real love? By this I am talking about our love for the lord or others.
What would we do, or what lengths would we go to make others happy?
Allot we just think of ourselves, our own little world or happiness. What’s good for me?
What makes me happy and secure?
Needless to say actually none of that matters, it’s how we strive to give of ourselves to others
or the lord that does. many times if we feel the world is not revolving around us we are in
a tizzy thinking"whats wrong"ha.this to me is the beauty and wonderful truth of the law of love and the one wife, that we are to constantly be thinking of ways to make others happy .
Not that I am wonderful at this but I think we are lacking this allot (this includes me.)
If we share the love we want or have we get more in return.try it you may be pleasantly surprised

A HAPPY DITTY.

2008-01-15T20:58:00.000-08:00

Let’s be happy for the love we have, and rejoice in the freedom of love.
I would rather be called a cassanova, than a spinster any day.
I would rather love freely and be loved, than hide it all away.
"give me freedom or give me death “the patriot once cried,
so here I say give me love, or let me live not at all
lets love and be loved as much as our earthly hearts can hold,
and worry not how the scribe or Pharisee behold.
So give me a world gone crazy, drunk on Christ’s pure love,
and let’s enjoy him and each other for until infinity comes.

guess who this is too!

2008-01-14T21:01:00.000-08:00

When we fall, is so we can rise again stronger. The same goes throughout our lives for Christ.
I love, and feel the hurt so that I may know how Christ feels when he wants me and I am not there.
I feel desire and lack, so I may know that he needs me to make him happy as well.

I feel the ache of not being able to love someone as much as I want, so that I may know how Christ feels about me. I understand the joy that comes from a simple smile or caress from one I love and desire, so that I may know the fulfillment Christ feels when we yield all to him.

I feel the loss when I can't show my love. The same way he feels when I am too busy for him.
I feel the ecstasy at a simple kiss, so I can understand more his desire for me.
I feel the loneliness when she is not there, so I understand how he feels when I am too
busy for him.

Every time we kiss I want so much more, and herein I understand his unquenchable desire for me. I see the beauty and perfection she thinks amiss. So here I understand how he loves me inspire.
When I see her, I see only beauty, and desire her all the more. So here I understand his love which is endless no matter how I fail.
I love to love her and enjoy her cuddles and embrace, her kiss so soft and sublime. So here
I know my savior desires me and needs my love in kind.
I remember every trace of her body and the soft skin so smooth, like chocolate I can never get enough even if every day I partook. So I thank you lord for this love that teaches and helps me grow. I only ask dear lord that I can show my love to her a few times more.

She is in truth quite a beauty, and fair beyond compare and her sweetness is enough, to make her a favorite above any other lass fair.
I know this is how you feel for me, and I thank you for your love. Let me treasure it forever and let no other be above. Help me to love her with a pure and sincere heart as I thank you for letting me love her in my humble, bumbling way.

thank you for her and bless her each day, help her not to see me insincere if upon her too much praise I heap, in truth it’s all sincere and I mean it every word, the same as you my love me beyond even my words.

Positive thinking anyone?

2008-01-12T21:46:00.000-08:00

Is the saying true "if you try to be nice you finish last"? Not that in any way I classify as the
'good, sweet guy", in fact I was informed today that actually I am the overtly rotund, insincere
mean guy ha.but even as such at odd points in time I try to nice(rare as they may be.) and usually it seems that it gets me in the further outskirts of popularity.
I suppose that because if I am nice people take it as a granted that I will always be and if I have a rough day, suddenly I am a despot with the body of a Buddha.

I wish I could be one of the easy going, never flare, happy all the time, all around peachy guys.
witch one of the guys in my home is.becuase it seems(perhaps I am amiss.) that no matter
what they do or say good or bad they get what they want, and are so much more the popular for it.

I know all you say "hey you should not compare or strive to be popular”. well perhaps, but how would you feel if you try your best to be sweet, kind loving as much as you can ,positive etc, but
what it comes down to is not all that but how "fun" you are.

It can be depressing at times, and lord help me I am horrible as far as comparing goes. I see so many faults physical and spiritual it hard to see the positive and for me the temptation
for being depressed is high and I battle it allot.
I like to think I have a very thick skin and nothing people say hurts me,
especially the cracks and joke etc about me that abound.
I suppose I should I hear them allot but still it affects me,i guess I care to much about how others see me or I am too worried that I have hurt someone that it always seems to be in the
forefront of my mind.

I guess I just should accept the fact I am a bit odd(ok well maybe allot),
and not as good looking or charming as I would like and just pray that the lord helps me
the rest of the way. It got to be him; he is the only thing likable in me ha.
Anyhow all this to paraphrase that I need him. I am a screwed up, (as by bro-in-law André says)
a funny looker, irritating and all the rest, but... I have the lord and he is going to do it.

so hey it’s never as bad as it looks, or feels ha.so the lord will take care of it all if I let him witch I am working on as it be.
I love you all (even those of you who feel it’s you life’s duty to come up with jokes about me) and I wish you the contentment I seek. Good night and good luck with all my love.

enough?

2008-01-11T22:49:00.000-08:00

When is kiss not enough?
When you want 100 more, when is a caress antagonizing?
When you always want more.
When is a touch painful?
When you dream of that soft touch.

When is a smile more than a beautiful gesture?
When you look forward to it each day.
When is a breath a feeling?
When you feel a shiver of excitement,
and peace as a loved one’s lips breath softly
on your flesh.

When is a look a weapon?
When you melt, or dispair, rejoice or
feel love in another’s eyes.
When is love mean?
Only when you cannot love someone enough.

So treasure the love you can,
and I will hope for what I have not.
And maybe soon I will get lucky,
and get to love

thought..

2008-01-05T21:58:00.000-08:00

I miss the touch, the sweet and tender kiss that riles, and stirs my emotions.
I miss the smile that lights up my day, and brings the rainbows
to chase the clouds away.

I miss the gentle reproach, and mischievous gleam within your eyes,
that lets me know you care, and notice as I pass by.
I miss your embrace that lets me feel secure and hopeful,
even if my day is rough and unsure.

In many ways you make my day seem brighter,
whatever mood I am in and your sweet and loving demeanor
make my worries and cares seem thin.

You are what I call lovely in each and every way.
And so I am thankful beyond measure that I see you every day.
And those days I don't seem gloomier, and a bit more morose,
so I will say thanks dear lord that you are here for most.

You are my praise time subject, in many, many ways.
Because there are so many things about you that for sure
require praise. So all this to say I love you, and please never stay away long
because I will miss you too much and my face will no doubt grow long.

DMG..

A GIFT OF LOVE.

2008-01-03T21:36:00.001-08:00

What can I give the one who has everything? by this I am speaking of my lover and best friend,
I need him more each day that passes as each trial becomes greater, and my desire to feel
love in a personal touch more accute.those who I love the most, dismiss me as a exaggeration
of a overgrown adolescent feeling. Perhaps I am too naive to think simplistic love is what god gave
us to share, because it seems everyone wants and tries to make it more complex.

I always believed that to love another person, man or woman was a simply feeling, Godly and right. It seems to see the best in people and to believe in the beauty you see in them or the love you have for them, is an exaggeration or untruth. but if we spout the evil we see in others or there faults its o.k. would rather, as the mad don Quixote said to live in a world of ludicricy if it means I see only the good beautiful things in others, rather than be a "realist" and see only the flaws. I would rather love fiercely and with simply abandon, than always suppress it and spend my time
trying to figure out the intricacies and pitfalls of it.

Give me the simplistic love of Christ any day, give me the wild abandon and free spirit of the Cathars, rather than the logical, analytical whys and wherefores that get in the way of closeness in body and spirit with those we love and live with.
we are so hung up on the why not’s, or the reasons why we can that we spend life missing out on the fun and freedoms the lord has entrusted to us, mostly because we are to afraid to just do it.
Or our pride or carnal mind gets in the way.

I want to be free, free from the hangs ups, free to love with abandon, free to be simple and se the good and lovely. I want to live the love and simplicity of Christ like Saint Francis, he saw the beauty in all around him, and that’s all I want to see as well. I know the bleakness, the flaws, I have so many I can't count them all, and that why I thank the lord he sees the good and keeps picking me up as I fall again ,and again. I don't care if you think I exaggerate your good sides,
guess what? That’s really how I see it and I won't change that outlook, I have been the other way too long I want to see the good in others the beauty, and praise the lord for it.
I am simple,dumb,a jackass,weak,carnal andworldly and a whole lot of other things but..
the lord still loves me,and that’s why I am saying to all you out there....see others as I know the lord see them, he knows all the flaws; but he chooses to dwell on the beauty.
My gift to the lord this month... (In addition to the fasting) I want to give him all my cover ups, my worldly outlooks, my analytic mind.

In return I ask only he give me the simple, pure love only he can, and a real freedom in my life to share this love with others. Give me lover, the ability to love without boundries, to share without holding back, and see well where there seems to be none.
Help me to be free of anger, fustration and hurt. Give me faith, love and closeness to you in its place. Help me to love others without expecting recompense and to be only a vessel of your love.

Help me to trust you for those I love, and trust for those I love and want to be close to,
even if I can't or they don't believe me.
Let me trust even when I don't see, and give praise no matter the circumstance.
Help me to trust you for the love and touch I desire, and seek you first because you are
my one true lover even when all others have gone or are too busy.
Thank you for the gift of making me simple.

christmas love

2007-12-30T22:02:00.000-08:00

What do you miss about someone you like or love?
If it’s your family, is it the friendship and camaraderie you cannot find anywhere else?
What if they are your best friends? Does it hurt when they leave, or is it harder
to face the fear of getting bored with each other?

What if it is someone you love but are apart from and you miss the affection, love, or smile that brightens your day? Someone you live with and dearly love or miss when you are apart?
Or perhaps the person you have become close to that means allot to you?
Your children, or just others kids you care for.
many times its hard to leave one to spend time with another, I suppose that may be how the lord felt when he left all to live and save us whom he loved as well.
He left it all for us, for me, that I could know his love. I had the wonderful gift of being with my family who I love allot this Christmas; we have not been all together for 3 years.
I was both tearful and happy at how beautiful, grown up and mature they have become,
to see them now made me so thankful, and at the same time I missed those I had become close to recently and wished I was with them ha.I suppose I am the classic 'I want my cake, and to eat it too”, but I have been blessed just to spend any time with them at all, It was a gift
from the lord for sure.

I wish that each person out there could feel the love I have from my family, biological and those
I live with and adopted as mine. It truly is the best gift, it sounds corny I know but...
hey so I am sentimental, I have to say the lord has given me some great family and friends,
and they are better than any gift I could ever gift.

So this is to you my family and dearest friends, I thank you for being there for me no
matter the time, and for not only being my family but my friends.
They say it’s a shame you can choose your friends but not your family, well
I would choose my family. Each of them is unique and special and wonderful in so many ways.
I have made some wonderful friends this year and to you I want to say thank you, I love you and you have helped me get through changes, you know who you are and I love you more than I can say, hopefully one day I will be there for you too.

So good night, good luck, merry Christmas and a happy, naughty new year.
I love you all and to those who I cannot in the flesh...I hug, kiss and pray for you. And those of you I can... hmm well good things are coming to you.xoxoxoxo

outside looking in.

2007-12-20T22:51:00.000-08:00

It seems to happen oddly enough that I tend to be the new kid on the block. Not by choice and assent but rather of necessity.
so many times I lack the "stories,Jokes,etc" that seem to permeate the more tightly wound social circles, and while everyone I meet is always accepting, In the long run I am destined to be in the outer circles.

While to most this may seem like a trivial matter and one of minute importance, I can attest to nothing more awkward than being the third wheel in a circle of friends.
they feel awkward and want to do certain things or have done them, or want to relate and revel in
past fun or sultry experiences and you haven't a notion of what it is and end up breaking the flow or others fun. They then usually fix this problem by going about it anyhow, just somewhere else or
a newly placed "party location" ha.

None of this is a fault to them, they have lifetime memories and variants of fun they enjoy, and flow with. The only problem is...you where not there when they did all these things or are not as close or intimate as them, so by default you are a intruder and the better option usually is to be polite and show up to see and be seen then exit stage left so that they can enjoy thier revelry to the full.

I just happen to be in this position allot because of our moving and the inability to live with or develop the long-term and potent friendships that frankly I envy in others. I have many times just not lived anywhere long enough to develop these and someday I home to.
in the meantime I suppose I will make many a graceful exit and thank the lord he gave me interests to make up for any lacks, I should be thankful I guess for entry into any "circle of trust" that may come my way and trust him that I can develop the deeper friendships that would be fun and enjoyable.

I suppose many times it may be pride to not fully jump into new situations that arise ,and this I will have to change but in the opposite hand I also wonder what it would have been like to have time enough to cultivate some longer friendships? in short I will have to make the best of it all, and deal with the rest as it comes, no matter pray for the grace to see it through for that makes good friendships no? The trying times...? Well I hope so and to those of you out there still peering through the looking glass at the excitement within. Take heart, it can only get better!

my prayer.

2007-12-19T22:20:00.000-08:00

Lord help me love you more with every passing day, despite the trials, pain or disappointments that may come. Help me thank you for not always getting it right so that I
may put others happiness before my own.

If discouragement seems more that I can bear,
let my tear-stained face sing testament to your love.
I my low times or moments of despair let me seek to cheer others,
and forget my own torments. In the nights I feel lonely,
let me be your hands of love, to sooth another’s need.

If inside there is torment, or an angry rolling sea,
let my countenance show joy and praising of your name.
If ever I am starving for a loving and affectionate embrace,
let me seek out another that needs a friend and for them fill that space.

All in short make me more like you lord, take away my selfish pride,
and remember you came to serve and save so that we evermore will not die.
So help be a vessel filled only with you, and desire nothing of myself, only to be filled with you.

Nights We Forget...

2007-12-15T21:24:00.000-08:00

There is a fury deep that lurks hidden, surpressed to silence.
It burns like a smiths fire, raging and uncontrolled.
Hidden to hide the awful explosion of rage that consumes all in its path.

Darkness brings the painful truth of a seething frustration lost in it.
The stars bring the pangs of angers suppressed, biting back at its cage.
How is it that silence only fuels the rage and the fury suppressed only grows stronger?
It is the quiet storm that rents from inside and sears its mark.

Truly this night I must forget, the anger that I feel, god let it wash away.
My hands clenched in a cold sweat and teeth gritted hard for the battle,
for I must wage war with this unseemly foe inside and vanquish it before
it consumes me from inside.

Lord I pray help me battle this anger with the love that I can only get from you.
For on my own it will overcome me, therefore I stand hard pressed before you asking that you help me turn the tide of war.
I need your love to guide me, from this dark lonely maze built of my
frustration and anger, that I cannot find the way out of.
Let it burn now by the fire of your love that I may be released from the darkness that has taken hold.

Shine your light of love and let the night fade into the dawn of new day.
As I see your sun rise I cry the tears of a man free from the torment within,
and rejoice in the praises of your love.

variety time?please.....?

2007-12-13T20:56:00.000-08:00

Sex can be completely mundane boring or even for many girls something they are just not into. It can also be exotic, arousing, sensual, exciting, fullfilling fun and a highlight of life. So how do we go for these extremes of intimacy? Well with men we are stimulated by the sight of a beautiful woman, we feel the soft touch of her skin, the warmth of her flesh to ours, the smell of her perfume and soft kiss of the lips and bam! we are ready to go, and naturally we assume so should she(after all our manly musk must have turned her into a full on nypho for us right?) we unless you are on a TV show or possible the last man on earth this is not so, and the male population sighs...For women foreplay starts in the mind, the soft words, the morning embrace when you circle her in your arms in the morning and whisper in her ear how much you love her for the little genuine things, when you encourage here how beautiful she is and how much she means to you.

Take the time to find out what makes her tick, for a woman to be aroused by you, you have to respect her and treat her with the care you would invest in something of priceless value. Take the time to excite and entice her (no this does not mean to walk by, flash her and say “like what you see") this means take the time to do the special things, to think of new ideas to surprise her and stimulate her mind.
Learn to verbalize the acts of love, to whisper those promises of things to come, learn not just to have sex, but to make love. I don't mean this as "oh the emotions and flaming feelings" I mean take the time to learn new things, to always improve and keep things exciting.
It’s not their job to take care of all our desires and keep things exciting its ours, they do so much for us we should take it up to be good lovers for them. that girl who you think is bored with sex or maybe does not respond the way she used to, well maybe you need to stimulate her more tell her she is beautiful and she will, tell her she is sexy and she will be, instead of all the time we spend complaining we don't get enough is time we could be spending spicing things up getting to know what excites her.
Start out with one thing, change it, add something new, and spend time doing something just for her. Then reinvent yourself and make yourself more attractive to her likes and needs and you will be surprised how far it goes.
grandpa said if you’re not progressing you are backsliding, and I think that that is true about sex, if it is always along the same lines with a few variations it gets dull, lifeless and a bore, so shake it up revolutionize it and explode (metaphorically guys ha) excite her with surprise acts of affection and touches, gentle kisses on her next and words or touches that help the anticipation. A woman’s mind is an imaginative, complex wonder that we can't hope to understand but that should not stop us from trying our best to excite love them mentally and physical. So make love to her mind as well as trying to make love to her body.
a woman’s mind is the window to her soul, spend more time giving her love ,appreciation and word and deeds of simple love and caring and they will take you further than boxes of chocolates or roses will. Ask the lord for ideas, or others or her and have fun a lot the way, half the fun is th

Loving my lord...

2007-12-13T20:16:00.000-08:00

What does it mean to freely love the lord intimately? For me it means the complete and total ecstasy I feel when I let go and let my inhibitions go so that I can feel his love.
I have really been blessed to be able to feel this love and ecstasy in a tangible (I can feel his kiss) way. As a guy it’s easy for me to let my masculinity get in the way and miss out on the full orgasm of it all.
I get asked how you can get over the odd feelings or blocks to loving the lord intimately..... Honestly I was kind of iffy about it all and only in this last year have I really let loose with it. but let me tell you sex with the lord is far better than anything you can imagine, when you include him in you sex or even just fooling around, the experience is hightened,every touch feels like ecstasy and every sense tingles with anticipation. The ideas he gives the feeling, it melts into a whole feeling of continuous orgasm and exceptional sensation that only ends when you are exhausted and any more pleasure hurts.
You may think of this as an exaggeration, but I challenge you to try it. all of you out there who think it’s too out of reach or just is "not your thing “try it whole-heartedly and give it a really fair chance. The benefits far outweigh and hang-ups you might have. He truly is the greatest lover the only one I know who can make you feel fully satisfied in ways even you did not know felt good.
I am as into women as you can get but TTL in the last year I have grown closer and more intimate with my lord and lover and it has been my saving grace.
try it and let him really touch, kiss and caress you, let him take you over and posses you in your times of sex can multiply your pleasure infinite times over, give you good ideas and ways to stimulate your partener,or even just help you be a whole lot better ha.
In short try it, you will like it, get hooked on it and never turn back. Write and tell me any of you out there of your experiences.
A lot of times you just need a good partner to start loving the lord with, and that you can both experiment together and try new things. The first step is the hardest, after that there are endless possibilities so grab someone and try it today, I guarantee he won't disappoint.

thoughts

2007-12-09T20:23:00.001-08:00

he paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Christmas Joy.

2007-12-06T21:57:00.001-08:00

What is the greatest treasure of Christmas? Is it the lights, presents or stats we crave? Is it maybe the fulfillment of the need for finances or donations? For me I know it is not the mistletoe or the family around the fire; in actuality Christmas has been my dread for awhile not and probably my lowest time of the year. I am sure many of you probably have given up family, friends or loved ones to serve the lord where you are, so you know what I am getting at ha.

The greatest treasure of Christmas is to love unabashedly those around us, and love our lord with abandon as we celebrate him.christmas should be a time when the love we receive is overwhelming and almost too much. We in return should give that as well to others.christmas to me is a celebration of my love for one who does so much for me throughout the year that this is my time to truly show him how I feel for him.

Of course we should show him throughout the year, but Christmas should be 30 days of explicit love, affection and praise to him in our actions and words. And we are his hands of love to others to show them his love during these times as well. And I am not just talking about the glamorous shows, big stats or the ctps; those are well and good but what about the personal touch? The love and affection that brightens the lonely and brings the Christmas spirit? That to me is the most important, if we can't bring that into our own homes how can we do it for the masses?

In saying that..... Love you and wish I could show you how much I love and appreciate each person who has touched my life weather in prayer or otherwise. I really treasure it and thank you for being there for me it meant the world to me. I hope you have the most love filled Christmas yet.

new!!!

2007-12-06T21:22:00.001-08:00

I have a new blog,its trialbyfire-perfectedinlove.blogspot.com

True beauty.

2007-12-04T21:33:00.000-08:00

What make a woman beautiful? It’s an age old question that if you are a man you better be careful what you say. I live with 3 of the most beautiful women you will ever see, each has traits that make them special and timeless. They say that beauty comes from within and for each of these it is the truth, their spirits and attitudes are what make them gorgeous. Each one is beautiful on the exterior as well but what I treasure the most about them is the love they have for the lord and others that permeates their being. My wife (marieanne) has been sick for 3 years now and while in that time I forgot many of those traits I am having the benefit of rediscovering them over again.

Her smile lights the room and brightens even the saddest person. She has a love cup filled to overflowing. She truly is a vessel fit for the master and embodies what you would see in an angel.
Laila is the lioness, motherly, softspoken, cares for others more than herself and carries the world on her shoulders. She loves and speaks with a sincerity that comes from the heart. She is the flower crushed that smells of the sweetest perfume.
Abi has the look and spirit of the Mona Lisa, her smile demure, belies the passion for life behind it.
She hides behind a shy personality but she is the driving force behind our home and a wonderful husband, her smile makes you happy no matter your mood and her unselfish spirit and love make you want to be a better person.

In short these are only a few of each of their good traits but to list them all I have not the space.
Needless to say I my mind they are the true example of what beauty truly is which is not a skinny waistline or perfect shape. What makes a woman truly and completely desirable is what they have inside, and I believe they truly have.

reflection

2007-12-04T21:00:00.000-08:00

Christmas is that time of year when we sit back think on our life and wonder where the year went. Well this year I actually am looking forward to this New Year, why? Well I will tell you. Each of the last few years (granted they all had their bright spots) I could pretty much tell you exactly what I was going up against most of it not super bright. And even though I find myself in limbo and uncertain about allot of things, I have allot of hope that this New Year will brings those victories we have fought for.

Oh I still battle feeling alone and lacking the passion or affection that I have missed (and still do ha). But all in all I have faith in the lord and those around me that this year will truly bring the light at the end of the tunnel in many ways for us.

So keep your eyes on He who saved us, because the enemy will try and steal it from you. If there is anything I have learned this last year it trusts the lord and put my faith in him no matter what. He truly is the ultimate and the everything; he truly is the love of my life and the one who got me through it all. He will never fail no matter the cost and I love him the more for it.

night to remember, when all where asleep...

2007-12-01T23:13:00.000-08:00

Ever feel that you are just having "one of those days"when all you do seems to take longer or get messed up? well today was and has been one of those days.I had the unique experience of going to a persian christmas party,in witch I managed to mess up the power point presentation, the lord keeping me humble I guess ha.needless to say I discovered the art of praise and rising above, with incidentaly I found works wonderfully when having a bad day.

Funny enough when having a bad day you are always looking for that thing that will cheer you up,I think today the lord did not let that happen so I could learn to praise.the harder my day,the more lonely I feel ,or the more difficult the trial ,as long as I praise he helps me rise above.so as I am sitting here wishing for .... well we won't say,I can praise the lord because I know one way or another he will help me and sustain me through lifes rough patches.

hidden beauty.

2007-11-30T20:45:00.000-08:00

There is a beauty so soft and sublime, like tender wispy snow, neither loud nor boastful; it is a silent testament to the pure and inspired. I have seen this once before within my saviors tender eyes and though it but a myth to find in any under earthly skys.but now and again I see glimpses in a smile on the face of those around me filled with bliss and tender loves embrace.

I find that now I see more each day traces of this beauty in each and every way.
Mostly now I notice the parts each one around me has that emanate this pure beauty; in the light of their smile, the soft kiss of caring, and the silent deeds that go unnoticed that make our lives worth the fight.

I suppose that many times I was searching for perfection instead of being thankful and realizing the bits of this beauty that permeated my life, and thanking and loving those around me for their yieldedness to being vessels full of this love.
Each person we live with has the capacity to fully emanate the full beauty and love of the spirit but many times it comes to naught because those around them fail to see and encourage it, or coax it out of them.
Maybe it’s because we get dulled to the life around us and no longer see the "color “that is all around us, in those we see every day. We allow the irritations or little faults take away from the beauty inside each person.
That pure beauty which comes from our husband is inside those around you for they are him, and he dwells within them. So let’s see in them the beauty we see in Christ and they will blossom and become more beautiful each day as we live and love together in the beauty of our husband and lover.

the potter

2007-11-29T21:26:00.000-08:00

Lord break me and make me anew,in likeness of a sweet and broken soul fully yielded to you. this is what I want more than anything else and sometimes I don't know how to find my way. I ask you to continue to melt me so that when i am remade it is in your model and not mine or what I think I have to be in order to please you.
I desire a meek spirit, one in witch you fully dwell .Continue to strip me of the garment of pride so I can wear the light of your truth and stand bare of all coverings of my own righteousness.I need to be loved by you ;to be made completely yours for only in this can I continue on,I am nothing without you.
As this new year dawns let me step into it as a vessel filled with your spirit within;a shell that you can use.i want to be free of the chains of old habits and confines,I want to be fully free to love you and others.Let me be free in your spirit and live my life to the full for you enjoying every breath and new excitement or change from you to the full.

fill me now and make me your so that I can be a servant of love to others,and let your love pour overflow and change me.Let me be a vessel fully yielded to the master exhibiting the fruits of your spirit.I am nothing and my faults many so I know that it can only be by your work and love that I can me made whole,I am a failure by in you I find my victory.

Its a wonderful life.

2007-11-29T19:45:00.000-08:00

"A little bit of love goes a long way" as the saying goes and I am here to tell you that this is true.I think that it means so much to feel even a little bit each day. I changes your life and those around you for the better.no matter the time of day or how discouraged I am that little affection makes it worth it. many times I think I probably forget to show the attention or love to others that I myself need.funny how many times the thing we need and lack the most is the thing you forget to be proactive in,I live with people with amazing love for others and and I can learn so much.I think that the human physical affection really is the greatest gift the lord ever gave.

Ever wonder why?

2007-11-28T23:15:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder why the cacoon? couldn't the butterfly just grow the wings? well I am finding out why.the trials make us strong(no,not beautiful in my case)the new challenges that await me are helping me to re-invent myself.Its hard and not pleasant and many time I feel alone but I know that its the lord helping me to grow wings.He really is knocking out my supports so that I only have him to stand on,he taken me away from friends,lovers,and my security zone to push me out of the nest into the soring winds so I can glide only on his supporting wind.Its odd to feel kinda outside the accepted group looking in,or "the new kid" so to speak but no matter how unstable I am he will not let me fall.these last years have been the fire I though but now I know he was trying me to see If I would love him even if I lost the rest.he has raised up marieanne in ways I never thought possible, and I thank him for that.He took away my giddy bride of youth, and brought her back a queen.I thank the lord for his work in her even if it has come at a price for me I would pay it gladly again.It may never be the same between us but I think that was his plan to make us love him more.I thank you lord that you are helping me to fly, and I praise you for the harsh wind that helps me to soar. I thank you for the love you have taken away so that I might learn the beauty of you love and desire you more. help me to praise you for the fire so I can know the passion of your love.give me the strength to come to you when I feel alone and trust you for the physical.through him I can learn the value of triumph made sweet by fierce battle and love him more for making me cry the tears of joy and victory.

Nice Idea?

2007-11-28T22:53:00.000-08:00

if you r like me you look forward to affection,sex, love etc right? Now I hear all you out there saying"of course,your a guy". or "what a dumb question?'well what if you had to do without it and that was that?Not in a bad way but just that was life,is it right to just accept it and learn to live with it?
I suppose it selfish to think that we deserve any of these things,and just be happy for what comes our way. but I have to in all honesty say its hard(not in the way you are thinking.)but with anyone of these my life brightens and my whole week it seems is roses ha.needless to say I am affected by it for the good, so I have to admit to struggling at times without it. In saying that it has also given me the beautiful gift of intimacy with the lord in a way I had not experienced.but I can do without alot and I take life's hills,bump and bruises and trust my lord for it, but this has been my greatest battle,at times its has come and gone but those moments where few and between and I thank the lord for them.with this new situation and the many things it brings in the ways of new challenges or battles, making new friends and new opportunities,I really treasure the reassurance and affection of those new around me even more.and hey I am a guy so right of course I wish I could have sex but I will settle for the love and cuddles or kisses that mean so much in the way of helping me know I can make it.

A new beginning.

2007-11-28T22:23:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here,thinking (perchance to deeply) about what it means to start over.Oh there are the old tried examples of new friends,homes ministries etc, but really all that means nothing.I face my old self and what I was with what I want to become and many times it seems to be too much.It hurts more than the loves or friends left behind because really there where not many.I had alot of aquantences but few friends,at least those who I could share or confide in. Many times over this last year I have truly felt alone.I have fought and will keep fighting to be the best I can, even though it seems doomed at times I know that in the end my lord and love will carry me.Its hard to live life without the love and affection you crave... but I suppose in the end it makes you stronger. Hopefully because I have learned to be closer in love with my lord.even if I forget for a time he has always come through.The hard part is never opening your heart or life up to others because you don't want to have the pain of doing without that friendship or affection once you've had it so I suppose it is just easier to play your feeling closer to your vest.I suppose that for me makes moving difficult,its hard for me to get close to people because of how I am( aka irritating ,annoying, grumpy ha)and if you met me you would think I am a confident person but most of the time I force myself to be because I really want that friendship and affection from others but its so hard to do.And then I move and start over the process again,All the people I live with are wonderful in so many ways,steve happy,lively,fun and a joy to be around.Abi,sweet,sincere,beautiful,down to earth,fun, and full of life with a smile that lights your life. Simon, quiet with a heart of love and a good and true friend.laila,passionate,alive full of love and a artist with a dreamers heart. and my Italian mama who embodies all the good traits of a loving matriarch.And Peter and Mary who the only thing I will say is I hope that when I have lived and loved as much as they;that I am as full of life and the true spirit of the family as they are.So tell me, how can one not find what he seeks when surrounded by these? I Suppose i will ask the lord to change me,and pray for this change to remake me once more and grow closer to those around me without the fear of hurt, and trust him for the rest.